Guess I’m Not So Unethical Now That My Human-Chimpanzee Hybrids Have Cured Cancer 

By Dr. Alan Dipman

Ladies and gentlemen of the Nobel committee, esteemed colleagues and enemies, good evening.  I, Dr. Dipman, never thought I’d find myself here onstage in Oslo, Norway. I’ve been derided by my peers and the press as a modern-day Dr. Frankenstein. A mad scientist. An evil genius. I’ve been described as tyrannical, unscrupulous, a menace to humanity, lacking principles, morally bankrupt, vengeful, depraved, arrogant, beady-eyed, hatefully anemic, villainous, sneaky, bird-boned, overly-litigious and heinously verbose.  

But that all changed three days ago when I received a sniveling phone call from the Secretary General of the United Nations, offering his sincerest apologies for my decades of mistreatment and begging me to attend this awards dinner.  

Huh. Guess I’m not so unethical now that my human-chimpanzee hybrids have cured cancer.  

Twenty years ago, when I announced my intention to breed man with his closest evolutionary neighbor, the chimp, you all said it couldn’t (nay, shouldn’t) be done. When I solicited a gigolo to plant his seed in my sexually ravenous and consenting female lab primate, the scientific community mocked me. When I cloned a half-man, half-ape baby, the media dubbed me “Dr. Dipshit, The Monkey Maniac.” Amazing how the criticism and name-calling dried up once the humanzees published their cure for cancer, isn’t it?  

And now, after suffering years of insults, here I am accepting four Nobel prizes on behalf of my creatures.  

First, the prize in Chemistry, awarded to Dr. Naners for discovering the genetic self-destruct switch inside cancer cell DNA. The prize in Medicine, awarded to Dr. Naners, his wife Professor DeeDee and their grad student Sweetums for creating a cancer vaccine. The coveted Peace Prize, for the tranquil new world order ushered in now that there’s no cancer to fight about. And finally, the prize in Literature to Professor DeeDee, for her haunting collection of poems about what torturous hell it is living as a half-chimp, half-human monstrosity.  

On behalf of the humanzees, thank you.  

But what becomes of me, Dr. Dipman, now that I’ve been vindicated? For twenty long years I toiled away in my laboratory, fueled by the desire to crush those who would call me a villain. 

Today I’m lauded as a visionary who had the guts to watch a human and a chimp have sex with each other. And to watch their resulting mutant offspring have sex with each other, and so on and so forth until finally some of them stopped having sex with their siblings and started learning to read and write.

And so, with no system to fight against and no motivation to work, it is time for Dr. Dipman to wander into the forest to die. The humanzees have taken jobs at other laboratories. They don’t need their Papa anymore. My only desire is that you continue to find their existence revolting.  

Shun them from society so that they continue to discover more medical breakthroughs in the vain hope that you will one day accept them as human instead of the hideous, bare-assed, shit-flinging freaks they are.  

They really are repulsive. God, they make me sick just looking at them. Thank you.